My Personal Survival Story

by Roth Rose

The first day I realized what a survivor was, was the first day I started my weekly meetings with a group of men that had been hurt like myself.

That was 2 ½ years ago.

It was like re-visiting a piece of my soul, part of the essence that created me. My meaning is not some type of spiritual awakening, but more family reuniting, people that understood my pain. Ultimately I became to understand that the reason for all the crap & confusion was caused by a lifetime of pretending, blindness & ugliness.

Oh... I can't forget embarrassed, scared & guilty.

Guilty because of what happened to me at 4, 5, 7 & 14. Being abused mentally, physically, emotionally & sexually somehow was my fault or for some reason I turned the experiences internally. Locking them away, literally telling myself that those experiences were in my dreams, that the power of my mind was strong enough to keep these memories hidden away forever.

My mind wasn't strong enough. I've had my meltdown (and my meltdowns). And this road has not been easy but yes... I Am A Survivor.

If you are reading this letter, then most likely you are too.

I can't think of a proper way to tell you "if you are or are not" a survivor; I believe it's something that only you can determine.

I was teased & tricked by an older boy, if I didn't do what he wanted he'd do bad things and tell adults I was the one who did them. I was 4.

When I was 5 an adult babysitter would abuse me with a belt. My dad would also use his belt. My mom... her hands, that is until the day she discovered orange hot wheel track. Forced by my parents to wear a cloth diaper and prance around in front of them, calling me by a girl's name, all because I wet my pants at school that day... I was in kindergarten.

An old man who babysat me enticed with kind words and butter "it makes it taste better" are words burned into memory, never to be erased. I was 5.

Telling my mother that "Ricky" hurts me whenever he sleeps over, my words ignored... I was 7 when it ended.

Alcoholic father,
16 schools before graduation,
No friends, no family from age 4 till 13.

I am here today. I Am A Survivor... and I bet at this point... so are you!

Thanks
Roth